Do you have someone in your life that seems to be angry, never wants to do anything, always tired, arguing frequently, not able to keep up with their normal schedule?

Is that person more emotional or less emotional? Do they only get out when they have to? Do they put stuff off until they can’t anymore? Do they look like their whole body has changed maybe like they are struggling with every step?

Depression is a real thing, I have been praying for Krissie and family today. As a Christian I never thought depression could hit me or any other Christian in fact. What I learned a year ago is that Christians especially those whose parents work for Christian organizations or who are pastors kids learn how to hide it well. Christians who are afraid to show it hide it well as well.

I’m a Christian and I have depression, but it goes far deeper than that. I have PTSD from childhood abuse and rape in my mid 20s, borderline personality disorder (sometimes linked to trauma), bi-polar 2 that’s fun deep depression and then 4 or more days of utter chaos in your head, anxiety oh yeah a fun one….

I write this because right now I am in a pretty bad depression, I feel as though no one notices. I feel ignored or thought bad about by the people who live around me. I feel like there’s very few people who even begin to understand. I’m very thankful for a wise friend. I scared another friend today I could hear it in her voice. The most dear lady from my church sees my struggle but doesn’t know how to help. My family has differing words for me and so does my town. Lazy, not wanting to work, wants to feed off the system…. the list goes on.

The reason my house is more than messy, I hide, I don’t talk to people or I argue. I can be very negative. And many other things; would you like to know? My friends I have been depressed and am finally beginning to get the right treatment but it’s going to take a while. It’s not over night that things change, it’s not over a few days it takes a long time. Please be kind and patient with me as I work through this. I also have a concussive thing from 2017 yes sometimes they hold on and sometimes I don’t have the words and I’m sorry when I don’t.

Thank you all who take the time to read my blog

I think a lot about 525,600 minutes which is from the musical RENT. If you have ever seen it, it’s about the HIV/ AIDS epidemic. I think about it a lot because they faced and still do face a lot of discrimination a way too much not being excepted into our society the way it was. In RENT it shows how. a group of people get through a year.

Today some of the same people faces challenges and sometimes the same challenges. I face some hard challenges in my day to day life. I chose the title adversity because though it’s definition is small the synonyms speak a lot of truth to the word. Hard times, trouble, ill luck, tribulation, and hardship are just some of them. What does it mean to experience adversity though? Well I can share what it means to me and you can decide what it means to you.

I am a part of the LGBTQ community, but did you know that there is way more to it than lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, Queer? They even group people who are intersex which someone who is born with both reproductive organs (they are BORN this way and still face some of the same challenges). There is gender queer and gender fluid, asexual, aromatic, gray sexual, gray romantic, pansexual; these are ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Not only am I part of the LGBTQ community, I have mental health disorders and have been dealing with quite a bit of pain for 6 years now. For my mental health stuff I have a service dog that I’m training myself. That doesn’t seem so bad so let me explain.

I live in a place where everything bad that happens in the world is blamed on the mentally ill, we should be thrown into asylums and the key thrown away. Wait a second here…. didn’t we. just start fixing this problem when the things that were happening at Willowbrook School were discovered? I do believe I have seen many videos on that place and many others. Even more interesting the big bell that travels around the country called the Liberty Bell is made from the shackles and chains that held people down? oh yes, yes it was. Didn’t the people who literally saved millions of lives want them to have community inclusion?… YES

You see every shooting that happens in the US is blamed on mental illness or someone taking medications for mental illness. I have five diagnoses, which all affect my daily life. I feel as though jumping through the hoops and hoping things will work out is what I deal with a lot. Is frustration what I fight many days, yes. I have PTSD, anxiety, dysthymia, Bi-Polar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, but I work every day on not letting any of those diagnoses control me. That doesn’t mean they don’t. I really am writing this little part of my blog to make a point that there are people in the world with mental illness who are not violent. I see a Psychiatrist and a therapist who just so happens to be a Psychologist and I get as much help as I can from them. I take that out into the world and work day in and day out to better myself.

As for being a part of the LGBTQ community it has been a long road, that really started when I was in high school. I knew that I wasn’t attracted to guys in the way that most of my female peers were; I didn’t want sex, I didn’t want playing around, or sleeping around for that matter. I just wanted to make friendships with the guys that I spent 180 days a year for, for four years. I never told a doctor or the school Psychologist because I didn’t think it really mattered.

The part I struggled with was that I found a few of the other high school girls quite nice looking and they seemed to have a heart too. I knew theater was something wrong with that though, how could I like the girls and not the boys? What was wrong with my head? Dad definitely wasn’t going to approve of this, and maybe not mom. I thought I was going crazy, really thought so because my dad especially doesn’t approve of anything other than his old school norm. I didn’t know how to deal with these feelings so I repressed them. Even better, I went to Word of Life for a summer and as told all kinds about how homosexuality was wrong and I had been going to a church that said the same thing. So here I am this high school from a far away place that was much bigger and probably would have been a little more excepting. Where do you go from there, from not being able to let out what was going on.

I continued going to church and continued to repress these feelings because it would have been a big issue and I knew it. I for the most part kept these feelings to myself for 14 years. I had not been going to church in years and was trying to figure out who I really was. I was working at a place that at least two of my co-workers were openly part of the community. One night I lay in bed unable to sleep and of course I had training the next am (in which I had to be at work by 7:30) and I reached out to Amy, she was one of the ones I was talking about before. We had a good conversation about how she knew which helped my quite a bit. After that conversation I knew what I wanted. I knew I am a lesbian.

A few months later I went to a conference sponsored by the New York Association of Psychiatric Rehabilitative Services. I had been to this conference many times before. The difference was that I knew I needed LGBTQ support. Well, I didn’t get the support, but I did end up with a sort of girlfriend by the end of the conference. This woman who shall remain nameless because I don’t want to embarass her or her children. I literally gave this woman everything. She took my cellphone from me and told my family that she wanted to marry me. My father won’t speak of it, my mom was excited for me, my brother also hasn’t spoken about it.

Long story made short is that because of this relationship a few really bad things happened in my life. I became homeless and lived in a motel that was run down and crappy for four months. I thankfully could get services from my local department of social services. I also lost my job after I was ready to put an application in to be a supervisor. Then to make it worse everyone who borrowed my car told me they were gong to change my oil and were checking…. no one followed through; my car just shut off going over the usable chasm bridge and it never started again. So I lost my family, some friends, my home, my car, and a lot of the stuff I owned most of it sentimental.

Starting over was not easy, but I did it. I now have a car, I have an apartment, I still talk to my mom (my brother and dad decide when they want to talk to me as well as my brother’s wife and I miss seeing my nephew). I am trying to find goos employment, I work for my county Mental Health Association, but that’s not cutting it. I also started going back to church and have a family there and you know family isn’t always blood.

Going to church, I go to the Schroon Lake Community Church and the United Church of Christ and the United Methodist Church are federated (I have no clue what exactly it means but we have one pastor, she’s pretty cool). Well I didn’t tell anyone about the whole LGBTQ thing and then one day they were having a meeting after church about the United Methodist Church and the LGBTQ community, I heard the end of that meeting. Anyway, that Sunday I realized that it was okay and I also learned a few days later that the United Church of Christ is affirming. I joined the United Church of Christ denomination of my church and it was amazing. I still get people who say its wrong, the other night I had someone tell me to go to a catholic church and asked for RCIA classes, they would not explain what they were.

I only mentioned my service dog once. You see things are hard sometimes, as she is not used to other dogs anymore. This is half my fault because I wouldn’t walk her far over the winter because I fell constantly. I was told she couldn’t be in a chain store in my town, I knew she could and promptly called the corporate office. I have also been told she can’t be a few of the local places and have kindly handed them a copy of the ADA laws. There was twice in a week I got told I couldn’t be somewhere and I wouldn’t frequent there anymore except that we have sermon discussion there during the winter months. I was told from somewhere that if I didn’t leave I cold possibly be kicked out for good and though the person was only trying to protect my dog and I the chain there needs to get their shit right.

Well, this is a little more than I planned on sharing which seems to always happen, but life wouldn’t be interesting with out details. I made a few references to RENT and 525,600 minutes. My pastor like to give challenges and I’m going to give you all one you don’t have to share with me, but that would be cool. What are you going to do with your next 525,600 minutes? Are you going to consciously see that people who are different aren’t necessarily sick or dangerous? In the next 525,600 minutes are you going to chose to make a difference?

So you know how sometimes you feel like you have no purpose or no purpose where you are? Maybe its at work or at home or in your community in some way.

Yesterday, I think I found my current purpose. I can’t say too much , but I can say that it has to do with becoming a caregiver for a family member. This is a huge step for me and I’m a little anxious about it, but I know it’s the right thing to do.

I was told that a lot of my family doesn’t think I’m going to follow through, they think I’m going to just get and disappear after a few weeks. I offered this four months ago and when I got the message yesterday, I got there as soon as I could.

I’m not the best at waiting for answers so this is going to be a hard few weeks for me. We will find out the end of July if this is possible. If we fine out in the end of July it’s going to be quick move, just a few days to get 2 people who have a good amount of stuff to move is not going to be fun. I will have the entire month of August or the month after I give my 30 days.

I’m rather nervous about the whole thing and it’s been on my mind a lot since yesterday about how to handle certain people in the situation. There are going to be a lot of people who are very unhappy with this arrangement, but this is not what I chose. The person this effects chose is the one who chose this arrangement.

I was really struggling with my purpose and really struggling with this person being in the situation she is in currently. God gives you no m0re then you can handle with Him and He gives us each task at the exact right time.

An unstable knee makes it hard to get things done, when walking is hard everything is hard. What about when you feel like your life in general is unstable? Do you feel like everything around you is falling apart?

Some days I feel like nothing makes sense, that I’m sliding back in my recovery. Why do I feel like shit a lot? Why am I having horrible mood swings? Why do I want to say no to everything that people want me to do?

You see in September, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, often referred to as Borderline. I started working with the therapist I had on really looking at situations where I could have handled things differently, and things were getting better because I would stop and think. We often talked about the things that i thought I could have handled better and what things I stopped and thought about.

Angie moved back to California, sometimes I wish I could tell her I wish she was still in NY.

I’m sliding back to flipping out when stuff isn’t going the way I want it to and feeling sorry after. I’m less and less able to control it and this is why I feel like I’m sliding back so much. If someone asks me to try something it’s NO, maybe there is good reason for that and maybe not, irregardless it’s getting worse.

There’s a really big problem though Kerrigan is getting it too. The problem with that is dogs remember everything even if you think they don’t, there has been times lately that the only time she’ll come to me is when she wants something and normally that is to go outside. When I have been flipping out she goes and hides, I hate that because I have no clue what she came from. I got Kerrigan from Recycled Paws Rescue, they rescued her from Alabama. Once I said her old name and she took off and that says a lot to me.

I’m having a hard time with the whole I still have a wound vac thing too; which I have due to surgery last Ausgust. I’m so done with it and have threatened many times to throw it out a window (and have been completely serious). I have gotten angry and loud at my home health nurse, the nurse that works with me ( I won’t see my surgeon’s nurse… long story) and my surgeon. They understand I’m frustrated, but I could probably say it in a better way. They wanted to try a new treatment (I think it’s new as treatment as well) and I “dug my heels in” because I already have enough junk in my body and don’t want anymore. I was afraid of what might happen because of the sensitivities that I have. I started the treatment yesterday and so far so good, this is very good.

My care-coordinator seems to be really angry and keeps telling me that if I’m not compliant no one is going to be willing to see me. Are my concerns not real? Is my frustration not justified after 10 months with the stupid wound vac? We were going back and forth on the phone on Tuesday and after I talked to her I worried about the whole non-compliance thing because my insurance can drop me for it none the less the Dr.s not wanting to see me. We went round and round with the conversation and by the end I was crying. I’m very unsure of everything and she doesn’t seem to understand that as well as there was a decision made with out me because it wasn’t made while I was in the office.

I went to the wound care center in Plattsburgh who were not helpful and changed what was working and when I asked why fix it if it’s not broken they told me that’s the way we do it. I didn’t know that they would be taking over my care, so when the thing they changed hadn’t worked I called my surgeon’s office who changed it back. The sound care center didn’t tell me that I was supposed to call them. Then they made me take a cab back to my friend’s hosue instead of walking because I might get sweaty which would make my vac come off or stinky… it was 70 degrees I was going to sweat either way

The poor nurse and surgeon, I’m not sure they know how to deal with people with more serious mental illness. I’m constantly frustrated or mad at them because of one thing or another. With this last decision I was frustrated with my home health nurse too; we all had a conversation on speaker phone. I didn’t want to do this treatment, but the other option was to put this stuff in my wound which to my understanding kills cells to stimulate new cell growth but, the big problem with that is that it burns for a normal person because of burning the nerves; try being someone who the wound is very close to the spine and has fibromyalgia which is a nerve condition. I’ve told them no more of that at all.

There’s all of that but, then there is my unstable leg that the surgeon won’t do anything for. You see he wants an MRI then to send me to Burlington… I’m not getting surgery in Burlington so I am trying to patiently wait to go back to my old doctor in Albany. My knee is so unstable that by the end of the day of doing the things I need to do and walking Kerrigan I’m in agonizing pain. I need something to stabilize my leg until we can get the MRI and discuss the next steps, hopefully not surgery. This is also something that regularly stresses me out.

I don’t have transportation so it’s not easy to get to the MRI for my knee and the two MRIs for my back. They say I’m being lazy and that I’m not trying; I’m stuck in this little small town that has no public transportation. Thankfully, for my regular medical appointments I can take a medical taxi.

Blessings come in oddest of times. There have been a few in my life lately, two of them being with in the last 24 hours. It’s always when you don’t expect it too. That is the amazing thing about blessings though, they come when you would never expect them.

Awhile back I lost a Bible that meant the world to me because it was my graduation Bible. There was a lady Betsi Calhoun who lost her daughter in an accident, dedicated her ministry to teenagers and young adults. Well every year she gave the graduates a Bible, some of them who knows what happened to it, but I took mine to college with me. Mine got beat up with the other books in my backpack, bent when I was nervous, left places and I was always able to get it back ( Thank you God).

Along with the Bible was a Bible Dictionary, it was in the same tote and also meant the world to me. It was given to me by a family that made a huge effort to be super role models in my life, because I was lacking that in my family. I knew they didn’t have a ton of money so I wasn’t really expecting it.

I felt so loved because of these two things (material things) and that meant the world. They got lost together and I was devastated. All I wanted was to get them back. Neither family lives in the area anymore so it’s wasn’t like I could just call them up and be like oh so where did you order those? One evening I sat at the Episcopal Church crying and a mom I knew happened to be walking by and asked if I was okay, I couldn’t hear her because I had turned music on in an attempt to calm myself down. When she came over I told her what had happened.

Last night, I was minding my own business sitting at the laundromat eating dinner while waiting for laundry (I think its the most boring job ever…), when Heather and her husband walked in (and I know they don’t do laundry there). Heather told me that she had talked to Betsti and that Betsi wanted to sign and send me another Bible…. okay… Heather needed my address so I texted it to her.

Then, this morning I was in not such a great mood after walking my dog and have her flipping out because she wanted to eat all the dogs and motorcycles in town. I decided to go to the used book store, they had a Bible Dictionary…. you know what it cost…. a whole $1.50. Oh my goodness, I was so excited.

But it gets better, (I totally love the used book sale people) I asked about volunteering for YA books and asked after spending a good five minutes looking for The Odyssey if they might know if they had it. None of us could find it. I figured after a bunch of looking around that I would see if they had a book on protein, but they didn’t. As I’m looking for a book on protein I hear “I found it, I knew we had one.” one of the volunteers had found the Odyssey which I was supposed to read in high school, but didn’t because I hadn’t learned the whole poetry thing. I’ve been wanting to read it for like a year, but have been stuck in the middle of like 3 series, so I want to finish them first. I now have a copy of The Odyssey to read whenever I get the chance.

All I can say is that I feel so blessed today and it totally makes up for having a dog who isn’t the best at listening. ThanK you God for these blessings.

In a town full of people, even people that know your name, Do you ever find yourself lonely? Ever feel like you know no one? How much do you have in common with the people you know? Would you go to a game at the local school with a friend to cheer their kid on or just to hang out?

Since I came home I often feel like I have no one. I have not spoken to most of my family in a while because of some stuff that’s happened. My friends are often too busy to hang out, they work more than I do. I talk to friends online and have Facebook groups I’m a part of and enjoy talking with people there. I have some really cool neighbors that are hanging out outside when it’s nice.

Having a dog I generally walk around town regularly, and it’s nice to say hello to everyone. I even meet new people with Kerrigan. The last month or so, I have been going to church and it’s been nice to start to get to know people there. I also have a friend from high school that goes there, and I started going with my neighbor.

We have a great little town which is a lot smaller in the winter. In the winter we get the hard core visitors who want to ice fish or snowmobile even some skiers (the nearest ski resort is a bout a half hour away). The summer is totally different, our town is bustling and full of tourists from Memorial Day until Labor Day and sometimes even Columbus Day.

All that being said, I try not to be the person walking through town that is quiet and reserved, but sometimes that’s what I do. My recommendation to feeling lonely is to try and find a place to meet people or socialize with people you know. Call up some friends and set up coffee at a local coffee shop even. There’s plenty of options out there, but sitting home saying to yourself that you have no friends or that no one cares about you isn’t going to help your self-esteem and is not good self care.

I have to say that my favorite part of my week is when I get to go to writing group. We talk, laugh, cry, write, and encourage each other every week and that is the greatest thing to me. On top of that, it’s always good to have something to look foward to.

I’ve said it before, if I’ve made it this far so can you!!! There’s time to hibernate and there are times to get out there and enjoy the people around you. Even if it’s sunbathing in your front yard or taking a little stroll around where you live. You never know who will run into, they may feel the same way you do.

Anyone that has known me for any of the last five and a half years probably knows that I live with pain from an injury. I have a friend I hung out with today who said something I had never thought of.

My friend said that God is okay with us not being okay and we don’t have to be superheroes everyday just because we are Christians. In a nutshell they said that sometimes when they are the most at peace is when they acknowledge that, that specific day is not the best and that they aren’t feeling good.

Those of you who have known me recently probably know that I do until I fall over. Then I sleep for days and most of the time get rather sick. A lot of people say all kinds of things about my work ethic and everything else because I only work part time. They say I have fibromyalgia, though I don’t believe them I do get tired and my muscles are weaker than they once were. This realization came to me today; that it is totally okay to be at the place God has put you because you may not know the reason that you are there. God loves us where we are at, if other people can’t, that’s their problem.

I really began to realize today that it’s okay to not be 100%. I thought about something else too; I don’t know how I did it with out the pain meds that I have now, with out them I am a miserable person and don’t want to move at all. I don’t remember what it was like, but I don’t want to either. Sometimes we are best not remembering being superheroes and just being ourselves the way we are now, taking one moment at a time.

The last few days I have been thinking about something. I wrote last time about belief to faith. Well in having faith you are kind of trusting Jesus. We can always rely on God , He will always be there. No matter what happens He is there and in the hardest of times He is there and will carry you through if you let Him.

The last few days have nor been the best, yesterday I slept most of the day after days of not sleeping. My point of this blog was to share my story about mental health or so I thought; I will share that with you, but also what God is doing in my life. Right now, He’s leading me through some stuff and showing me about belief, faith, trust (who would have thought). I have to say that through this; things in my mind and world aren’t simple or fine and dandy all the time.

I live in the same town as my immediate family , though I only hear from anyone when they want something. It takes a toll on my mind because it’s like I’m only around when it is CONVENIENT for them. It makes me feel like I don’t matter. Someone replied to a post I put up in a Facebook group and pretty much said that God doesn’t want us feeling ashamed or oppressed, how do you not feel that way when you are ONLY wanted when they WANT something.

This is where learning to have faith and trust God comes in. In your day to day life , if you ignore the pain you can’t heal it; but if you take it head on and have faith that God will help you do what is right and trust thin that, then you can heal. It reminds me a lot of the poem “Footprints” az when the person asks Jesus about the single set of footprints and Jesus says that’s when He carried the person.

I feel pretty lonely most days, living by yourself sucks sometimes; God is always there, but sometimes I forget. Today is a day that I’m not feeling the best, in fact I’m feeling rather angry. It has to do with a situation that I can not post online, but I wish there was a place to take about these silly things. Really it’s not the biggest concern, on the other hand it IS family. When you live a mile from family and spend $20 to $50 on laundry every couple weeks it makes you wonder how much you matter. I also have great concern for someone in my family who needs 24/7 care and I feel horrible that I can’t do more. I have to trust that God will keep His hand on this situation and guide everyone in what to do. I have to have faith that He’s there.

Thanks for reading, when I went over to the library I intended to talk about trust, but didn’t intend on getting into anything too deep. I will keep praying and working on this, I pray that you all do too. Have a fantastic day, pray for sun. Originally written 5/4/2019.

Here are some quote to think about when you are having a hard time: 

“It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends.” J. K. Rowling 

“Understanding that the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery” J.K. Rowling

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

This is a picture of the beautiful lake that I live just up the street from in the fall.

I’m on a journey to find healing and recovery and build my relationship with the Lord. I have bad days and good, sometimes wisdom comes out of what happens in life. I hope if you decide to come for the ride, you enjoy the good times with me as well as the times of trial. I am on this journey with my dog (Kerrigan) who I am working on training to be my service dog.

Enjoy the ride

Following the sermon on 4/28/2019 at the Schroon Lake Community Church I have some thoughts. Pastor preached about doubting Thomas and moving from the step of believing to having faith. Her challenge for the week was to pray for something for yourself. After service I talked to her about an email I had written and about connecting. If any of you know me well since I have been battling physical pain and a bunch of mental health issues; (those of which I have no clue what they are right now); that I have not been the biggest social butterfly. That said those of you who may know me from years ago know that once I started talking I never stopped.

That Sunday night I got angry at a family member and thought they were lying so I had to go see for myself if they were being truthful. So I went for a walk that was 3/4 of a mile each way. I was really angry and got there rather quickly for me (my back muscles pulling in all directions), but om the way back I was really upset and decided to take a break on the Episcopal church steps. Well there I sat bawling because I have lost yet some more valuable and sentimental items to me. I was angry because hadn’t I been through enough and lost enough last year. Heather walked by and asked if I was alright, but I shrugged my shoulders because with my headphones on I couldn’t hear her. I was not alright, I was upset and the things I lost are from people I may not see again until we meet again in heaven.

I got thinking about it though, God provided with another Christian when I needed it and I learned that sometimes I should just trust what people say. God taught me something else though, He taught me that those possessions aren’t everything. the memories of how theses people impacted my young adulthood I will make sure to keep fresh. At the same time the Community Church used to be up the street from where I live and it burned to the point htat it had to be knocked down, the pastor lost most of her stuff from what I hear (I have not personally asked).We all lose stuff over time like where in the world did my old basketball hoodie go, that meant the world to me in high school… who knows. The fear of losing more of my stuff is real at times. had I only brought all the totes at once it may not have happened.

Anyway, rambling aside I took the hard lesson of at least it’s not everything and at least I have a home and Kerrigan. That’s what matters, it’s our lives that matter, not the things in it. I am still here and so is my home ( the Masonvilles) I have lost housing before, but not tragically. After I walked by the old church (now the site of the old church) I felt really selfish. God will provide and has been, so anything I lose past, present, or future it will be okay. I prayed for connection and I think God used it in a way very different way then I thought.

Monday evening I went to sermon discussion and then I really started thinking about my relationship with Jesus; you see that’s all about connection too. I have taken some time to admire the big things God has provided us, but seem so little to us Sunrises and sunsets and the beautiful lake I live maybe a football field from (or two). God made the Adirondacks so beautiful and Schroon Lake such a great place to be. That doesn’t mean I’ll be here forever; I will on the other hand enjoy all the beauty while I can. We have to be open for connection with Jesus for it to happen and we have to ask sometimes, I pray that I can keep my heart open for Jesus and let His light shine through. Oh and thank you Ed for dinner it means the world. Orginally written 5/2/2019