Unstable

An unstable knee makes it hard to get things done, when walking is hard everything is hard. What about when you feel like your life in general is unstable? Do you feel like everything around you is falling apart?

Some days I feel like nothing makes sense, that I’m sliding back in my recovery. Why do I feel like shit a lot? Why am I having horrible mood swings? Why do I want to say no to everything that people want me to do?

You see in September, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, often referred to as Borderline. I started working with the therapist I had on really looking at situations where I could have handled things differently, and things were getting better because I would stop and think. We often talked about the things that i thought I could have handled better and what things I stopped and thought about.

Angie moved back to California, sometimes I wish I could tell her I wish she was still in NY.

I’m sliding back to flipping out when stuff isn’t going the way I want it to and feeling sorry after. I’m less and less able to control it and this is why I feel like I’m sliding back so much. If someone asks me to try something it’s NO, maybe there is good reason for that and maybe not, irregardless it’s getting worse.

There’s a really big problem though Kerrigan is getting it too. The problem with that is dogs remember everything even if you think they don’t, there has been times lately that the only time she’ll come to me is when she wants something and normally that is to go outside. When I have been flipping out she goes and hides, I hate that because I have no clue what she came from. I got Kerrigan from Recycled Paws Rescue, they rescued her from Alabama. Once I said her old name and she took off and that says a lot to me.

I’m having a hard time with the whole I still have a wound vac thing too; which I have due to surgery last Ausgust. I’m so done with it and have threatened many times to throw it out a window (and have been completely serious). I have gotten angry and loud at my home health nurse, the nurse that works with me ( I won’t see my surgeon’s nurse… long story) and my surgeon. They understand I’m frustrated, but I could probably say it in a better way. They wanted to try a new treatment (I think it’s new as treatment as well) and I “dug my heels in” because I already have enough junk in my body and don’t want anymore. I was afraid of what might happen because of the sensitivities that I have. I started the treatment yesterday and so far so good, this is very good.

My care-coordinator seems to be really angry and keeps telling me that if I’m not compliant no one is going to be willing to see me. Are my concerns not real? Is my frustration not justified after 10 months with the stupid wound vac? We were going back and forth on the phone on Tuesday and after I talked to her I worried about the whole non-compliance thing because my insurance can drop me for it none the less the Dr.s not wanting to see me. We went round and round with the conversation and by the end I was crying. I’m very unsure of everything and she doesn’t seem to understand that as well as there was a decision made with out me because it wasn’t made while I was in the office.

I went to the wound care center in Plattsburgh who were not helpful and changed what was working and when I asked why fix it if it’s not broken they told me that’s the way we do it. I didn’t know that they would be taking over my care, so when the thing they changed hadn’t worked I called my surgeon’s office who changed it back. The sound care center didn’t tell me that I was supposed to call them. Then they made me take a cab back to my friend’s hosue instead of walking because I might get sweaty which would make my vac come off or stinky… it was 70 degrees I was going to sweat either way

The poor nurse and surgeon, I’m not sure they know how to deal with people with more serious mental illness. I’m constantly frustrated or mad at them because of one thing or another. With this last decision I was frustrated with my home health nurse too; we all had a conversation on speaker phone. I didn’t want to do this treatment, but the other option was to put this stuff in my wound which to my understanding kills cells to stimulate new cell growth but, the big problem with that is that it burns for a normal person because of burning the nerves; try being someone who the wound is very close to the spine and has fibromyalgia which is a nerve condition. I’ve told them no more of that at all.

There’s all of that but, then there is my unstable leg that the surgeon won’t do anything for. You see he wants an MRI then to send me to Burlington… I’m not getting surgery in Burlington so I am trying to patiently wait to go back to my old doctor in Albany. My knee is so unstable that by the end of the day of doing the things I need to do and walking Kerrigan I’m in agonizing pain. I need something to stabilize my leg until we can get the MRI and discuss the next steps, hopefully not surgery. This is also something that regularly stresses me out.

I don’t have transportation so it’s not easy to get to the MRI for my knee and the two MRIs for my back. They say I’m being lazy and that I’m not trying; I’m stuck in this little small town that has no public transportation. Thankfully, for my regular medical appointments I can take a medical taxi.